Restaurant Review: Jade Garden

Jake and I are food snobs. I hate to admit it, and we try not to be obnoxious about it, but we are. We like to try new restaurants and we can definitely tell you which restaurants to go to for, say, a delicious taco or which restaurants to avoid if you want a decent Japanese meal.

Every once in a while, we run into an eatery that I just can't shut up about--a place that I just can't allow to slip by unnoticed. Tonight's Chinese was just such a meal. Dinner from Jade Garden this evening can be summed up in this sentence:

IF YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOUR TASTE BUDS DON'T EAT HERE

We had a long day of errand-running today and I didn't want to bother with making dinner. I was totally pooped. Jake remembered that Jade Garden, in his youth, had been a pretty darn good joint. We decided to order take out. Here is a rundown of our dinner:



Dinner combination for 2

Pu-pu platter. Egg rolls were large and soggy. "Drumstics" were not seasoned at all. Spare ribs were dry, sugary, and smelled suspicious. Beef skewer was dry. Wonton was almost empty. The least offensive item here were the fried shrimp, because they failed to leave any kind of impression.

Hot and sour soup. This item also failed to leave any impression, other than SOMEONE PUT MUSHROOMS IN MY SOUP! (If you know me, you know what I'm talkin' about.)

Fried rice. What fried rice? I know I paid for fried rice. Where is my fried rice? I'm still looking for the fried rice. Oh, this container with the off-colored ricey stuff? Is this my fried rice?

Velvet Seafood Something Something Dish. I don't care what they call it. I call it a risk. It smelled odd. Also, SOMEBODY PUT MUSHROOMS IN IT.

Sesame Chicken. I wonder if they just order it from Panda Express...?

Jake's comment after we threw away almost everything was, "Even the fortune cookies were bad." We all know the Jake is a hypochondriac. So you can imagine what's going on at my house right now. "Do you think this is going to make me sick?...I think I'm starting to feel sick...Do you think I'm sick?" Me: "You're not sick." Jake: "I think I'm getting sick...Do I feel warm?"

This has nothing to do with the subject of this posting, but just to illustrate my hypochondriac husband, Jake also gets sick when I have morning sickness and he also "got sick and almost passed out" at the births of both of our children. Something about the stress of the situation, or something. Forgive me if I express no sympathy.

Anyway, back to Jade Garden. I have no doubt that back in the day this was a decent Chinese eatery. Today, I would have to tell you to show your body some respect and stay away.

On a positive note, if you're looking for decent, no-frills Chinese, I recommend Jasmine in Lone Tree, off of Lincoln. They are inexpensive and their ingredients are fresh. I also highly recommend Chopsticks on Federal Avenue. I have rigid restaurant-choosing rules, including never eat at a Japanese place with the word "bowl" in the name and also never eat at any kind of Asian restaurant called Chopsticks. This place totally breaks my rules, but it is the best Chinese I've eaten in this country. This is a place where you will find things like jellyfish on the menu--yum!