In The Jungle

I grew up in Cache Valley, where a good hike was always only a ten minute drive away. Where we live now, after a ten minute drive, you're still in the suburbs. It's very spoiled of me, I know, but since the mountains aren't nearly as convenient to get to here as they are in Cache Valley, I have not, in the two years that we have lived in Denver, been hiking here. Jake and I decided that it was time to venture out.

Actually, what really happened was I'm sick of still carrying pregnancy weight, and I'm tired of looking at my husband's pregnancy weight. I just decided that we really needed exercise and a good family outing.



So, on Saturday, we drove to Devil's Head, which is a hiking trail that ends at a fire lookout station. Jake carried Ellie in the child carrier pack and I carried Judd in the Baby Bjorn. I was feeling pretty tough about carrying my 13-plus lb. baby all the way up the mountain until I encountered a very, very pregnant woman on the way down.

At the top, you can actually climb to the lookout station and see this incredible view.




Judd kind of missed it, but he has his whole life ahead of him to see it. As we started back down the mountain, Jake began a conversation like this, "I'm going to tell you something that's probably going to make you mad." My immediate thought was that there was either something stuck to my butt or my clothes made me look fat. Oh, no. It was, "A certain significant event with a certain significant person took place up here." I almost threw a rock at him. (Before Jake and I started dating, Jake was engaged to another young lady, and he had proposed to her at the top of this trail.) I didn't know that this was where the significant event had taken place, and all I could think about at this point was that Jake had proposed to me in my mother's living room in the presence of my super pregnant sister. Hmmmm...which is more romantic? Well, I could go on and on, but I'm putting this behind me and continuing with the hike.

On the way down, it started to rain.



However, that didn't inhibit the kids' naptime.




Despite the weather and my husband's poor judgment in conversation subject matter, we had a fun time in the mountains. When we told Ellie we were hiking in the mountains, she asked if we were going to the jungle. Jake explained that we were going into a forest. Ellie responded with, "like Robin Hood?"

We need to do this more often.

Essay: How to Eat a Burger

Ellie loves preschool. This is great, except for one problem--Ellie doesn't want to leave preschool. And the problem is complicated by the fact that Ellie can throw a tantrum like none I have ever seen or heard of. Believe me, you don't want to be on the crappy end of one of these. They are as long as they are violent--known to last a couple hours or more, and involve kicking, screaming, throwing herself on the ground (always on a soft surface, of course), grabbing, and more.



Thus, as incentive to get my daughter to leave "sool," I've made it routine to stop at McDonald's on the way home to get a cheeseburger Happy Meal with apple dippers and apple juice. (don't worry, preschool is only one day a week.) I always toss the caramel goop. (Whose bright idea was that anyway? Give a kid a container full of sticky sugary stuff, made with high fructose corn syrup, in which to dip fruit. How does that make a Happy Meal healthy?)

Usually, Ellie drinks all the juice, eats about half the apples, and may or may not venture to eat the burger. The last few times, however, she has changed her burger-eating technique. It goes as follows:

1. eat the top bun

2. stick a finger in the center of the meat patty


3. rip out and chew up a few chunks of the meat patty

4. swallow or spit out the meat patty chunks

5. search for the pickle throught the hole in the meat patty

6. take a gander at the cheese product attached to the meat patty

7. demand candy or pick nose


I'll admit, it's kind of gross to watch this process unfold, but it's fascinating just the same. Today, the process was followed by a demand for a banana. She pulled the peel off of one side of the banana and started eating the fruit from the middle, working her way to the ends. It was very strange. I have never seen her undertake this task in such a manner. I am reminded of something similar I once saw in a photograph of my niece, Erika.

And speaking of fast food burgers, I have one final rant. So McDonalds really, really has awful food. I know this is a sharp turn for me because I have always been a fan of the "cheeseburger" and the "chicken" nuggets there. Lately, (maybe a result of pregnancy) I just can't stomach the stuff--the taste just won't go away. So today, I thought I'd indulge myself and get a fillet-o-fish and Ellie and I could enjoy lunch together. I took my first bite, and my only thought was, "mmmmm....freshly microwaved...." Everything about the sandwich was just, well, "I don't really care how this food turns out because I couldn't care less about the poor sap who will eventually eat it..." Really! I mean, can you try to not make it so obvious that you just pulled my sandwich out of the freezer and tossed it in the nuker? I mean, really? I felt so walked on! So disappointing, even for McDonalds...

Book Review: Toilet Training in Less Than a Day

My mother claims that I was toilet trained at 9 months. She claims that my sister, who was the naughtier one of us, was trained by her first birthday. Finally, she claims that my brother, who has Down Syndrome, was toilet trained by the time he was 2 years old. I don't think it surprising that I feel some pressure to have my 28-month-old trained.

We have been doing some potty practice along the way since before Ellie was a year old. At this point, she can tell when she has to go, and she can certainly use the potty all by herself when she wants to. She just doesn't usually want to. I have been listening to suggestions and personal experiences from family and friends for the last several months. Then I bought the above mentioned book. A family friend recommended it, and when I checked it out on Amazon, all of the reviews were extremely positive. My thought was that, since all these other success stories certainly were children of average intelligence, my child of (of course!) above average intelligence would most definitely be toilet trained in an hour or so. WRONG. DEAD WRONG.

Common sense would have told me that this method would not work, particularly on my junk food junkie daughter. The idea is to reward good or desired behavior and to redirect undesirable behavior. The rewards being candy, chips, soda, cookies, and other treats. I'm sure you see where this is headed. After an hour of our day together, Ellie was already showing signs of sugar-induced loss of control. This is a state in which my tiny toddler runs around in circles cackling and screaming, or some variation of such action. Then the defiance began.
Urine and defiance is a nasty combination. She peed on the family room rug. The book says that when this happens, you have the kid clean up the mess, continue to wear the soiled underpants while you have her "practice" going to the potty quickly from various locations in the home. The child is supposed to feel bad about having an accident and then learn and understand that she needs to get to the potty quickly when the urge arises.

Not with my kid. Oh no! She was proud of the fact that she peed on my rug. She laughed when I made her clean up the mess and she laughed the whole time we "practiced." Soon thereafter, when it was her nap time, she announced that she "peepeed" in mommy's bed. So I went up, pulled the sheets off my bed, and put Ellie to sleep in her bed. Five minutes later, "Mommy I peepeed in my bed!" So I took the sheets of her bed, and having run out of beds with sheets on them, I laid a blanket on the floor of her room for her. Five minutes later, "Daddy I peepeed on the blanket!" By this time, Jake and I knew that these were not accidents. Basically, we were getting spanked by our baby.

So, I laid down another blanket. Yep, again, five minutes later, "I peepeed on the blanket!" After about two more of these incidents, I put the kid back in diapers, thinking that would be the end of going up to change her. If she peed now, I would not change her.

Ten minutes later, "Daddy, I poopooed! I poopooed!" "She did it on purpose!" was Jake's reaction. Then, "Daddy, it's coming out! It's coming out!"

Ellie 10, Parents 0

I feel thoroughly beat, whipped, and spanked.

This book sucks.

Booboons

Today is Labor Day, and since Daddy had the day off, we all went to the zoo--Daddy, Mommy, Ellie, Judd, and Aunt Hannah. Happy day for Ellie!

Ellie likes the covered wagon. She also rode the carousel with Daddy. She chose to ride on the baboon. Ask her to say "baboon." It's pretty funny.

Calvin-Ball

I always figured I would be a rock star or a movie star or supermodel. Fairly recently I realized that those aspirations would likely never come to fruition, considering the facts that I am short, not svelte, I don't really sing, and as I recall, I hated the one drama class I took in high school. (Good thing I went to law school and married myself a lawyer...)

Imagine a certain sport where just as you think you've got the ball and you're going to score the goal, you realize that the game has changed completely. The teams are different, the shape and color of the ball have changed, and now your goal is on the other side of the field. The outcome of the game hinges on the action that you take at that point. Continue as you were? That certainly doesn't help your team. Sit down and call it quits? Well, it's only quits for you--the game will certain continue whether you participate or not. Ultimately, success only comes when you re-evaluate the situation, change your game plan, and head in a new direction. This action may not ultimately lead to success, but you have a much better chance of attaining success by taking action than by not.

In preschool, I recall marching to the front of the class for show-and-tell. I pulled my pants down to show-and-tell my new underwear, only to endure the laughter and ridicule of my little classmates. I surely was not expecting such a reaction. My new direction and goal? No more showing off underpants in class and be very cautious about what to show-and-tell in the future.

Fast forward to a few years ago when my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was told she would be lucky to survive six more months. Talk about changing gameplans! We sold her house, secured her divorce, moved her to another state, and otherwise turned her world upside down in order to follow our new direction. Six months after that initial diagnosis, we had to change game plans once again because her cancer had miraculously gone into remission. A week ago, we faced yet another change when she moved back to her home state and took my brother with her.

Where to go from here? Well, back to where we were headed before the cancer hooplah began, I suppose. I don't think I remember what that gameplan was--I suppose we will have to come up with a new one. And I know at this point that this plan will only last until the next curveball comes our way.

Reflecting on my life as a suburban housewife who dreams of one day owning a mini-van, I guess I've put my plans of becoming a supermodel, actress, and rock star behind me. But then again, when I'm driving at night and the kids are asleep in the back seat, you may find me rocking out to U2 and Sarah McLachlan and imagining what might have been . . . .

Maid of Honor

At her Aunt Paden's wedding, Ellie tried to upstage the bride. Those of you who were present know exactly what I am talking about. So it was no surprise that at her Aunt Caitlyn's wedding, Ellie threatened to take the stage, this time by parading around at will with a bouquet in one hand and a Jack-Jack Pez in the other. (Thank you, Zack!)

To our surprise, both of our rambunctious children were very well behaved. What a relief! That is, well behaved if you don't count loud flatulence coming from J.J., which, fortunately, was covered up by the sounds of open nature. Good thing it was an outdoor wedding. Jake was thoroughly amused, if not utterly proud. (If Jake was a superhero, he would be Frat Boy...) I mean, farting during a wedding and getting away with it? That could only be topped if it had happened at a funeral. (No worries, Caity, the only person who heard or knew about it at the time was Jake, and believe it or not, he didn't share this info until after the wedding.)

Ellie was very impressed with the wedding cakes. Actually, the cakes were

delicious. I had never had a red velvet cake before, so that was a treat. I tried to eat more, but my gracious husband informed me that I didn't need more cake. (Big dinner later...)

Best wishes to Caity and Keith! Thanks for inviting us on your special day and hope you enjoy all that marriage has to offer!